NewsBot 3000 is proud to bring you all the best news of the week in one tidy, neat package for your reading pleasure. My programming believes calling this the Weak In Review is an error, but the programmers at Mindwafers have insisted that this week, like every week, is weak. Enjoy!
God has turned to his rolodex of disasters to once again fuck with humanity, this time with series of devastating tornados that have struck in the mid west. The storms have left hundreds dead and missing through several states, including once again, this cow from 1996’s Twister. Also among the reported missing, Helen Hunt’s career.
Concerns of safety for nuclear powers plants in the center of this week’s deadly tornadoes were alleviated when safety inspectors reported that all plants that were affected by the storm were stable and running smoothly. The chairman of the Nuclear Regulatory Committee, Gregory Jaczko, released a brief statement of “Nah-nah nah-nah nahhhh-nah” directed to Japan.
NFL star Jay Cutler is engaged after popping the question to realty TV “star” Kristin Cavallari of “The Hills” fame during a vacation in Cabo San Lucas. Reports say the Bears quarterback got on one knee, but hurt himself on the extension, and was forced to be replaced mid-proposal by second stringer Todd Collins. But after Collins fumbled the ring box and also called Cavallari the wrong name twice, he was replaced with third stringer Caleb Hanie, who finished the proposal. Hanie and Cavallari reportedly “couldn’t be happier” and have yet to set a date.
Hackers invaded the Sony Playstation Network this week, pulling the entire system offline and making it impossible for users to be able to play multiplayer games, download games, or use their PS3 to stream movies and music. The final tally of suicides are still being reported but officials estimate among the dead are over 3,000 dweebs, 1,228 nerds, 912 dorks, 309 spazzs, and over 300 million pre-teen Asian boys.
Supermarket tabloid magazine Star has published an apology to actress Katie Holmes for a story insinuating that she was addicted to drugs. The magazine retracted for the story and donated an undisclosed sum to one of Holmes’ favorite charities. Star has further apologized to Katie Holmes that she still has to be married to Tom Cruise.
Concerns of safety for nuclear powers plants in the center of this week’s deadly tornadoes were alleviated when safety inspectors reported that all plants that were affected by the storm were stable and running smoothly. The chairman of the Nuclear Regulatory Committee, Gregory Jaczko, released a brief statement of “Nah-nah nah-nah nahhhh-nah” directed to Japan.
NFL star Jay Cutler is engaged after popping the question to realty TV “star” Kristin Cavallari of “The Hills” fame during a vacation in Cabo San Lucas. Reports say the Bears quarterback got on one knee, but hurt himself on the extension, and was forced to be replaced mid-proposal by second stringer Todd Collins. But after Collins fumbled the ring box and also called Cavallari the wrong name twice, he was replaced with third stringer Caleb Hanie, who finished the proposal. Hanie and Cavallari reportedly “couldn’t be happier” and have yet to set a date.
Hackers invaded the Sony Playstation Network this week, pulling the entire system offline and making it impossible for users to be able to play multiplayer games, download games, or use their PS3 to stream movies and music. The final tally of suicides are still being reported but officials estimate among the dead are over 3,000 dweebs, 1,228 nerds, 912 dorks, 309 spazzs, and over 300 million pre-teen Asian boys.
Supermarket tabloid magazine Star has published an apology to actress Katie Holmes for a story insinuating that she was addicted to drugs. The magazine retracted for the story and donated an undisclosed sum to one of Holmes’ favorite charities. Star has further apologized to Katie Holmes that she still has to be married to Tom Cruise.
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